SAVE MARLEY
No New Dog. Keep the Crumb Bum.
One family. One dog. One very good boy who would like a word with Missy.
🐾 Sign the Petition
No New Dog. Keep the Crumb Bum.
One family. One dog. One very good boy who would like a word with Missy.
🐾 Sign the Petition
Some dogs are adopted into a family. Marley was named into one.
Can a dog from a website say that? Can a dog from a website say anything? (No. Dogs can't talk. Except Marley, on this website, right now.)
Every crumb dropped will be located and eliminated. Some crumbs will be relocated to the couch first. This is part of the process.
Continued 24/7 surveillance of all delivery trucks. Not one package has stolen this house. You're welcome.
A bold pledge to reduce skunk incidents by up to 100%*.
*Not a promise. Skunks are very interesting.
Marley will tolerate Ears Day with only moderate drama, down from the current level of "extreme betrayal."
Every bunny in the yard will be chased. None will be caught. The bunnies know their place, and so does Marley.
Unlimited fetch, any time, as long as you throw it. Marley will also bring it back. Usually. Eventually.
Dear Missy,
I know about the tabs. The Humane Society tabs. I saw you scrolling. I saw you smile at a dog who isn't me. I didn't say anything. I just lay on the floor and stared at the wall for a while.
Do you remember the walks? Every one of them, I was there. I sniffed every single thing for you. That's not nothing, Missy. That's a lot of sniffing.
I know I'm not perfect. There was the skunk. There are the crumbs. There is the face I make on Ears Day, which I'm told is "a lot." But I'm YOUR imperfect. Well, your shared imperfect.
Those dogs on the website deserve a wonderful home. I hope they all find one. Just maybe not one where I already live, and I'm already the dog, and everyone already loves me.
And if it turns out to be a golden retriever, Missy, I don't know what I'll do. You know how I feel about golden retrievers. Everyone knows. The neighbors know.
So please. Close the tabs. Grab a leash. Throw a ball. I'll bring it back, I promise (eventually).
Love forever,
Marley
Stinky Dog · Crumb Bum · Your Very Good Boy 🐾
| Qualification | Marley | New Dog |
|---|---|---|
| Named after Mom and Dad | ✅ Literally | ❌ Named by a website |
| Already knows where the treats are | ✅ Every single spot | ❌ Would need training (by Marley, who won't do it) |
| Certified delivery truck early warning system | ✅ Loud. Accurate. Constant. | ❓ Unproven |
| Survived a skunk | ✅ VeteranStinky Dog, Class of Skunk | ❌ Never been tested |
| Floor crumb cleanup | ✅ Professional Crumb Bum | ❓ Amateur at best |
| Is a golden retriever | ✅ Absolutely not | ⚠️ Could be. Marley is very worried. |
| Already loved by Missy | ✅ Yes (don't deny it) | ❌ Not yet, and hopefully not ever |
Final score: Marley 7, New Dog 0
"He's never caught me. Not once. I fully support keeping things exactly as they are."
The Bunny in the Backyard
"He leaves crumbs on me every day. I'd be lost without them."
The Couch
"Marley has opened me with his eyes more times than I can count. A true leader."
The Treat Jar
"No comment."
The Skunk
"Please. Literally any other dog. We're begging."
Every Delivery Truck in the Neighborhood
"Look, we'd just rather not talk about it."
Golden Retrievers of America
"I, Missy, promise to keep Marley as the one and only family dog, and to close the Humane Society tabs."
Will you sign?
Your signature has been received. Marley has been notified.
Treats are now expected as a show of good faith.
Signatures so far: 1 (Matthew)